This has nothing to do with beauty.

I'm genuinely tired of this sinking feeling I'm experiencing where I'm constantly drowning in doubt and self-consciousness and fear.

My insecurities are eating me alive.

At this point, I feel so defeated from all the blows to my self worth that I'm starting to believe I really am worth nothing, and that there's no use in trying anymore.

I'll never be anything but what I am and I've learned in the last 15 months that that's not good enough.
I've dealt with a lot this past year and I'm starting to feel very worn out and worthless. All my efforts seem to be pointless.

To question that my love and say that it's not love hurts so much worse than anyone could imagine.
If it wasn't love, I would not have been able to stick it out just in HOPES that someday, in some freak accident, things might be good and we would just end up happy.

My hope will be what does me in in the end. I'm sure of that.

I haven't overreacted on purpose, my hearts been hurt over and over. And when I think of all the times I was blind and believed things were something other than what they were, it plagues me and I end up with a wandering mind, jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst because its all Ive known in dribs and drabs the last year and a bit.

I truly believe the worst emotional pain is feeling like you love someone more than they love you. Like there is a break in emotional commitment. Not monogamous commitment, emotional.
It's rough when you're on such shaky ground with the one person you need as your rock. It's sadly ironic. And heartbreaking.

I'm always self sabotaging.

Deep down inside I know I just believe I don't deserve happiness, and in turn I try twice as hard to please everyone around me. One person in particular more than anyone else, ever.

I hate feeling like we are two totally different people now. And that the end is inevitable. I've held on now for seven years through all the hard things so that I could experience all the good things. And there have been a lot. Nothing has ever made me laugh or smile as much.

I guess that's why feeling all these things is what makes this so much harder.

What am I going to do now.