So we meet again

February has been a really sentimental month for me for seven years. Seven exactly to the day next Thursday.

I've had a lot of ups and downs in the last year and a half. Its all been extraordinarily hard. And it's all lead me here. To the same feelings I feel and have felt every February since this all started Seven years ago.
7, by the way, is a number that comes up a lot in my life. At least three times a day in one way or another. Must mean something.
I digress.

Here we are. February 2013.
Since I haven't recapped 2012, I may as well start here. Better late than never

When I think back to New Years 2012, I remember champagne, being really cold, and being so happy to be spending it with the one person I would be heartbroken not to spend New Years with. Though its never meant a lot to me as a holiday, I admit that I would be entirely gutted if I couldn't have spent it with him.

What goes up, must come down. And it did. In a fast, downward spiral.

January was a blur of randomness, I don't even recall much. I'm not sure if that's because Ive repressed it, or because genuinely nothing happened.

I remember in early February having this ever-sinking feeling like I was about to be thrust out of whatever dreamland I had forged for myself. I lived in denial for the majority of 2012. I realize that now.

His birthday passed, so did mine.
Our anniversary came and went, and he refused to see me. Heartbroken.
Valentines was spent together but there was something not quite right.

March came, and so did kittens. I spent a lot if time lazing around with them. Feeding them. Playing. Pretending with myself that things were on the mend.
Then the second half of March happened.

I had a lot of dark days. A lot.

April, May, June, July. They all kind of melded together.
The regatta came in August.
We tried our best.

The latter part of 2012 was so dramatic and harder on him than the former.
I don't want to get into it. Lets just say it was the most unnecessary situation and the most heartbroken Ive ever been for someone I love.

Christmas and New Years felt like old times. It was nice. Rocky at times but nice.

And now here we are. 2013.
Things can only go up from here.
I'm hoping more and more everyday, anyway.

Things I've learned the last year and a half?
Don't sweat the small stuff. And most of it is just that, small. The grande scheme of things is so much more important.

It's cheesy, and cliché but love conquers all. The love may not stay the same as it always was. It may become stronger than you ever thought it could. It might make you realize things about that person you never thought you would see.
But it conquers all. It's the most raw, and human thing about us. And none of us should ever take it for granted. We're all so concerned about what's going to happen tomorrow that we don't stop to appreciate what we have today. Or what we had yesterday.

I've had so much heartbreak and I've seen so many I my friends go through so much heartbreak in the last year. It's really put things in perspective and made me aware of what I want and where I want to be.

Things are good.
And deep down inside I'm being selfish and hoping things will get even better. I feel like I've been pushing and pushing for this unattainable step on the top of the stairway for years and its made me bitter at some points. But here I am. Still trying. Still holding on. Still wanting to be wanted.

I never want anyone to let a relationship define them. It should be the people that define the relationship.
I'm really lucky in that whatever this is/has been/will be in the future, I've always been able to be myself and comfortable and feel the safest I've ever felt.
I hope that if anyone stumbles across this for whatever reason, feeling down about anything, try to look at the bigger picture.
We're not here forever. And things will happen whether we want them to or not.
Whether you worry or not will not impact the outcome of things.

Love hard. Live honestly.
And don't let worry bring you down. Its just excess energy. That's all it is.

<3

Little update

Well, it's been a month since I started this little bloggy thing.
In the upcoming weeks I'm hoping to buy a new camera for taking better quality pictures of the items I'll be reviewing and talking about.
This whole Internet beauty/fashion bloggy/vloggy business has really sparked a huge interest in me for these kinds of things and topics. I'm excited to get this ball rolling now that the holidays are over and I'm planning on really doing this. Excitement!

Revlon Nail Art Review

I went out to do some last minute Christmas shopping for a few girlfriends at work and came across Revlon Nail Art Moon Candy.
There are SO many different shades in this range and they're all super adorable.

I instantly fell in love with Moon Dust. I ended up choosing Eclipse for myself, and Satellite for my friend. I picked up Eclipse because originally I didn't think that Moon Dust would be very Christmassy or seasonal, but looking at it again on the website, I'm realizing it's probably more seasonal than the one I chose. It's almost icy looking.
I'll definitely be picking it up after Christmas.
There are so many shades in this collection, although the store I was at didn't have many left in stock. They were on two for $14.00 or $8.99 each, so either buying just one or springing for two, they're at an excellent price point for stocking stuffers. You are getting two nail polishes for the price of one after all!

Revlon is also carrying the same style packaging for other ranges- solids with white base coats so the colours are very vibrant. And Duo's which also come in a lot of nice colours.

I really like how the brush in one colour is smaller than the other, so you can do detail work and even ombre your nails with a base coat of one colour and and ombre effect with the other colour.

These were a really nice little find, and I'll definitely be checking them out again once Christmas is all said and done and the shops settle down a bit.

This has nothing to do with beauty.

I'm genuinely tired of this sinking feeling I'm experiencing where I'm constantly drowning in doubt and self-consciousness and fear.

My insecurities are eating me alive.

At this point, I feel so defeated from all the blows to my self worth that I'm starting to believe I really am worth nothing, and that there's no use in trying anymore.

I'll never be anything but what I am and I've learned in the last 15 months that that's not good enough.
I've dealt with a lot this past year and I'm starting to feel very worn out and worthless. All my efforts seem to be pointless.

To question that my love and say that it's not love hurts so much worse than anyone could imagine.
If it wasn't love, I would not have been able to stick it out just in HOPES that someday, in some freak accident, things might be good and we would just end up happy.

My hope will be what does me in in the end. I'm sure of that.

I haven't overreacted on purpose, my hearts been hurt over and over. And when I think of all the times I was blind and believed things were something other than what they were, it plagues me and I end up with a wandering mind, jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst because its all Ive known in dribs and drabs the last year and a bit.

I truly believe the worst emotional pain is feeling like you love someone more than they love you. Like there is a break in emotional commitment. Not monogamous commitment, emotional.
It's rough when you're on such shaky ground with the one person you need as your rock. It's sadly ironic. And heartbreaking.

I'm always self sabotaging.

Deep down inside I know I just believe I don't deserve happiness, and in turn I try twice as hard to please everyone around me. One person in particular more than anyone else, ever.

I hate feeling like we are two totally different people now. And that the end is inevitable. I've held on now for seven years through all the hard things so that I could experience all the good things. And there have been a lot. Nothing has ever made me laugh or smile as much.

I guess that's why feeling all these things is what makes this so much harder.

What am I going to do now.

Wednesday

Meh. One of those days.

Monday

There is a puppy running around in the apartment upstairs, and it makes me want my puppy so bad. It's ridiculous how much I miss her when I'm not with her.
When I'm home we don't leave each others sides. /lame.


Well the tree made it through the night. No bulbs knocked off, and the tree wasn't knocked over. So that's a bonus.
I love this time of year. It feels so cozy with the lights on the tree and in the windows. I wish they could be left up all year, but then it wouldn't feel so different when Christmastime came around.
Blah blah blah I just keep going on and on about Christmas.


So I've been looking all over for the Holidaze Sally Hansen Salon Effects, to no avail. I've heard of a few places that have carried them since late November, but every time I've gone to check, they've been sold out.I managed to find one package of them about a week ago but it was the least Christmassy set and I really wasn't a fan of the design.
Also, as a side note, trying to navigate the Sally Hansen website is horrendous. It's really poorly done considering they're such a large company.
That being said I still love Sally Hansen, and it is the nail polish I use the most. Its very reasonably priced and I've found that it actually lasts significantly longer than other brands I've tried.
X-Treme wear seems to be my go-to at least 75% of the time. Nice variety of colours, too.

Essie is another brand I've become interested in recently. It's a little more expensive but their colours are GORGEOUS. Currently dying to buy Leading Lady (a deep sparkly red shade) and Golden Nuggets (a sheer varnish with gold bits).
I've been thinking it would be nice to layer Gold Nuggets over Leading Lady for a really sweet holiday nail. Something simple but cute.

I'm looking for a really nice deep/dark green shade, too. Maybe like a hunter green. I was expecting one to be released for the Winter Collection, but they've only released blues, reds (Leading Lady being one of them), and a silver. Still nice, but not green. Sadface.
I think the closest I'll be coming to the colour I've got in my head is Crocadilly, from the Repstyle collection.
I guess it would be a bit too obvious a choice to throw in a green shade with reds and silvers for a winter collection.


Aaaaanyway, I've rambled about nail polishes for a long while now.
Hopefully by the end of the week I'll have had a chance to get out to some stores and find some shades I can write a little about. I have a work Christmas party this weekend coming, so I'd like to find a nice colour (or a few to choose from) to wear for that. 

<3

Sunday

Only a short blog tonight.
I went to Shoppers again tonight, and came across a little set of 12 nail polishes done up in sets made by Quo by OPI. The colours are pretty varied and were a nice selection of neutral shades and brights. I've used OPI in the past, it was a Kardashian Kollection colour. I paid over $11 for it and it chipped a few hours after I applied it. I'm not sure if it was just because of the fact it was a glitter, but I was really disappointed.
I've only heard good things about standard finish OPI varnishes though, so I might pick them up to try them. They're mini's so at least if I didn't like them I wouldn't have a lot of excess to get rid of.


I'm watching Big Bang Theory now with Nick.
We spent the evening watching the new batman movie and I put up the tree and decorated it. Only with the shatter proof bulbs yet though, just to see how the cats react.
Fingers crossed they don't destroy it over night.
We also had hot chocolate, and watched the (cartoon) Grinch. Loves it. :)

<3