February has been a really sentimental month for me for seven years. Seven exactly to the day next Thursday.
I've had a lot of ups and downs in the last year and a half. Its all been extraordinarily hard. And it's all lead me here. To the same feelings I feel and have felt every February since this all started Seven years ago.
7, by the way, is a number that comes up a lot in my life. At least three times a day in one way or another. Must mean something.
I digress.
Here we are. February 2013.
Since I haven't recapped 2012, I may as well start here. Better late than never
When I think back to New Years 2012, I remember champagne, being really cold, and being so happy to be spending it with the one person I would be heartbroken not to spend New Years with. Though its never meant a lot to me as a holiday, I admit that I would be entirely gutted if I couldn't have spent it with him.
What goes up, must come down. And it did. In a fast, downward spiral.
January was a blur of randomness, I don't even recall much. I'm not sure if that's because Ive repressed it, or because genuinely nothing happened.
I remember in early February having this ever-sinking feeling like I was about to be thrust out of whatever dreamland I had forged for myself. I lived in denial for the majority of 2012. I realize that now.
His birthday passed, so did mine.
Our anniversary came and went, and he refused to see me. Heartbroken.
Valentines was spent together but there was something not quite right.
March came, and so did kittens. I spent a lot if time lazing around with them. Feeding them. Playing. Pretending with myself that things were on the mend.
Then the second half of March happened.
I had a lot of dark days. A lot.
April, May, June, July. They all kind of melded together.
The regatta came in August.
We tried our best.
The latter part of 2012 was so dramatic and harder on him than the former.
I don't want to get into it. Lets just say it was the most unnecessary situation and the most heartbroken Ive ever been for someone I love.
Christmas and New Years felt like old times. It was nice. Rocky at times but nice.
And now here we are. 2013.
Things can only go up from here.
I'm hoping more and more everyday, anyway.
Things I've learned the last year and a half?
Don't sweat the small stuff. And most of it is just that, small. The grande scheme of things is so much more important.
It's cheesy, and cliché but love conquers all. The love may not stay the same as it always was. It may become stronger than you ever thought it could. It might make you realize things about that person you never thought you would see.
But it conquers all. It's the most raw, and human thing about us. And none of us should ever take it for granted. We're all so concerned about what's going to happen tomorrow that we don't stop to appreciate what we have today. Or what we had yesterday.
I've had so much heartbreak and I've seen so many I my friends go through so much heartbreak in the last year. It's really put things in perspective and made me aware of what I want and where I want to be.
Things are good.
And deep down inside I'm being selfish and hoping things will get even better. I feel like I've been pushing and pushing for this unattainable step on the top of the stairway for years and its made me bitter at some points. But here I am. Still trying. Still holding on. Still wanting to be wanted.
I never want anyone to let a relationship define them. It should be the people that define the relationship.
I'm really lucky in that whatever this is/has been/will be in the future, I've always been able to be myself and comfortable and feel the safest I've ever felt.
I hope that if anyone stumbles across this for whatever reason, feeling down about anything, try to look at the bigger picture.
We're not here forever. And things will happen whether we want them to or not.
Whether you worry or not will not impact the outcome of things.
Love hard. Live honestly.
And don't let worry bring you down. Its just excess energy. That's all it is.
<3
